My Journey: Swallowed by Grief

I had held together fairly well through the labor and delivery. I had a job to do and I set my will to do it and get through it. But once the work was done, it was a different story. I was grateful they took me back to the labor room for recovery, rather than into the recovery room where other mothers had live babies on their minds. A garrulous nurse kept me company, leaving little need for me to say anything. Her endless prattle was both a source of comfort and an irritation.

Finally they took me to a room, got me into bed, and left me alone.

I hugged my empty belly and doubled over with sobs. I rocked myself while my mind screamed, “Oh, God. Please send somebody. Let somebody come.” I could not bear this alone.

My dear friend, Sarah walked in the room about that time. She held me and cried with me and sat with me. My mother and dad came. They both hugged me tenderly. Sarah and my mother both offered to stay with me, but I thought I was okay. And honestly, I wanted Sarah to stay, but I wouldn’t hurt my mother’s feelings, so I told them both to go home and sleep. I had pain medication in me by then, and I really thought I would sleep.

I was okay for about half an hour before sobs wracked me again. Again my cry was for God to send someone. My cousin Chris, and his wife Gloria, came. As well as another couple. It was ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know they even let people into the hospital that late, but I was so glad they found a door open.

By then I knew I couldn’t get through the night alone. When Gloria offered to stay with me, I accepted with tremendous relief. Throughout the night, she read to me, rubbed my back, held my hand, and prayed for me.

The next morning the doctor came to see me. She sat down on my bed and wrapped her arms around me. For a moment she wasn’t my doctor, but just another woman who knew what I felt. I was so grateful to her at that moment.

She gave me the option of staying another day in the hospital.

“No,” I told her. “I need to go home. I need to be with my family. I need to see my children.”