Wednesday, January 30, 2013

My Journey: Swallowed by Grief

I had held together fairly well through the labor and delivery. I had a job to do and I set my will to do it and get through it. But once the work was done, it was a different story. I was grateful they took me back to the labor room for recovery, rather than into the recovery room where other mothers had live babies on their minds. A garrulous nurse kept me company, leaving little need for me to say anything. Her endless prattle was both a source of comfort and an irritation.

Finally they took me to a room, got me into bed, and left me alone.

I hugged my empty belly and doubled over with sobs. I rocked myself while my mind screamed, “Oh, God. Please send somebody. Let somebody come.” I could not bear this alone.

My dear friend, Sarah walked in the room about that time. She held me and cried with me and sat with me. My mother and dad came. They both hugged me tenderly. Sarah and my mother both offered to stay with me, but I thought I was okay. And honestly, I wanted Sarah to stay, but I wouldn’t hurt my mother’s feelings, so I told them both to go home and sleep. I had pain medication in me by then, and I really thought I would sleep.

I was okay for about half an hour before sobs wracked me again. Again my cry was for God to send someone. My cousin Chris, and his wife Gloria, came. As well as another couple. It was ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know they even let people into the hospital that late, but I was so glad they found a door open.

By then I knew I couldn’t get through the night alone. When Gloria offered to stay with me, I accepted with tremendous relief. Throughout the night, she read to me, rubbed my back, held my hand, and prayed for me.

The next morning the doctor came to see me. She sat down on my bed and wrapped her arms around me. For a moment she wasn’t my doctor, but just another woman who knew what I felt. I was so grateful to her at that moment.

She gave me the option of staying another day in the hospital.

“No,” I told her. “I need to go home. I need to be with my family. I need to see my children.”


  1. Doraine,I am so moved by your story of grief and grace. Thank you.

  2. It's so comforting to know that when needed, people show up, as your story told. I am convinced it will happen! I am glad you are telling this bit by bit, hoping that the telling will be good for you, Doraine. Thank you.

    1. It never failed that someone came when I needed them. Thanks for the encouragement your comments give me, Linda. I had read somewhere that people stop reading after about 500 words, so I've tried to hold somewhat close to that. It does string out the telling a bit, but I have found that writing in this size chunks is about right emotionally, too.

  3. I'm reading along Doraine. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm deeply moved. I have never lost a child, but I feel the emotion in each post as I read. Our Laura was born in 1985 which allows me, in a strange way, to relate. It is a blessing that you have time to say goodbye to your Dad. Although it is difficult, treasure the moments. Love you, Karen N.

    1. I'm glad to have you reading, Karen. It's funny for me to think back and realize I didn't know you then. Seems I should have! I am treasuring the moments with my dad. Thanks.